After leading my team through the SCAC tournament last year, many people saw me as the face of Trinity softball’s pitching staff, however, they also saw the side of me that struggled to throw a strike at the beginning of the season.
People were quick to assume that I wasn’t a good pitcher and would say that all I needed to do was “just throw strikes.” Little did they know that I I heard this since I was eight years old.
Softball began with tee ball, which turned into fall ball, and fall ball turned into spring season, and then before I knew I was on the Gold All-Star team. The best 8 years olds; chosen to represent our league. I was being challenged like I had never been before. I was playing with and against the best of the best. Little did I know that I was developing conceptions about myself and my softball abilities that would literally paralyze me as I got older. I found my seven year old self at the bottom of the lineup and having to take turns in right field.
No one had to tell me what that meant, even at seven years old, I understood I wasn’t as valuable as my other teammates.
Pitching was no different, there was always someone better than me, and it wasn’t until eighth grade l that I set myself apart from others. Up until that point, I played different positions and would get little pitching time. It was clear in my mind that my coaches didn’t believe in me as a pitcher. I had even been told by some that I would never play in college or in one instance that I was a tenth string pitcher. Many times there were no words at all, I would just get pulled out. I understood what that meant; I wasn’t doing my job and I wasn’t good enough.
All I wanted was someone to give me grace in the midst of my struggles.
Usually it’s your family that you can run to for that grace and comfort. However, my parents had been my coaches growing up which meant that, not only were they my biggest fans, they were also my toughest critics. There were constant lectures in the car when I didn’t perform my best in which success was measured by results rather than growth and effort.
Being a pitcher is different from any other position because the game directly relies on your performance, not your effort. The pressure surrounding this position and the fact that every pitch I threw was getting judged started to get to me. Everytime I stepped on the mound, negative thoughts of failing people who believed in me and not being good enough filled my head.
A coach described my mind as a dark scary neighborhood that no one would want to live in. My lowest point caused me to quit softball for several months. I lost my love for the game.
I eventually returned as I found a new gratitude for the game.
After many more tribulations including a major injury, I finally accomplished the dream of every little girl who played softball: playing in college. My debut performance wasn’t what I had always imagined it to be. Rather than shining on the field, I started to lose control over my pitches and struggled to find a way back to the pitcher I knew I was. Through this multi-game series of not having the ability to control my pitches, the negative thoughts that coaches of the past said to me crept back in.
Suddenly, I was back to the seven year-old and middle school version of myself that believed I didn’t deserve a spot on the field. I wanted to quit softball again, but I turned to God and realized I was focusing on the wrong parts of the game.
I focused on the outcomes and allowed my mind to determine the results. I tried doing everything on my own, coupled with past negative thoughts that left me exhausted. Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). I laid all the negative thoughts and past experiences at Jesus’ feet and chose to play with a heart of gratitude, knowing that it’s the journey that matters more than the results. The grace I had always been looking for on the softball field was finally found. Grace isn’t something that can be explained, but rather experienced. I experienced God’s grace when I surrendered all to Him and now I am free. I am free of the thoughts that would plague my mind.
Letting go and allowing myself to experience grace, my mind no longer focuses on the outcomes of my performance, but rather the experience itself. I am able to appreciate the sport I love including all the good and bad.
With grace I am able to stop putting so much pressure on myself and focus on my growth and true value as an athlete. I am more than just a sum of stats in a scorebook or where I rank on a depth chart. I am more than the opinions of coaches and teammates. I am a student athlete. I am the 2 % who actually made it. I am a child of God and I am valued, therefore it’s time to enjoy the game and silence the mind and play without judgment.
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