Growing up, I viewed my sport as my therapy. Whenever I went out on the field, anything that I had been going through mentally did not matter. The only thing that did was the game. This holds true to this day. The field is and will always be my safe haven and for that reason, I am forever thankful for being a student-athlete. However, my younger self would be shocked to discover that your sport can hinder your mental health just as much as it aids it.
“I was on top of the world. Nothing could take that away from me.”
Playing in college was always the goal, but worry began to strike as I was going into my senior year of high school with no offers to play at the next level. During my senior season I posted a record-breaking performance in the fourth game of the season, tying our school’s single-game interception record with three interceptions in one game. My performance was talked about in articles online, was in the headline of The Dallas Morning News paper, and I was selected as an honorable mention for their defensive player of the week. Following that game, it finally happened. I received my first offer to play at the next level. I was on top of the world, my mental health had never been better. Nothing could take that away from me.
Or so, I thought. Two games later, I would intercept yet another pass, bringing my season interception total to four. As I was getting off the ground from being tackled, I felt a strange discomfort in my left shoulder area, something I had never felt before. I would not return to the game. An x-ray revealed that I had broken my clavicle into three pieces. I would require a surgical procedure to repair it.
“For the first time in my life, my sport had damaged my mental health, something that I did not think was possible.”
I was devastated. I put in so much work for my last season of high school football, just for it to be taken away from me within the blink of an eye. Mentally, I went from the top of the world to rock bottom. For the first time in my life, my sport had damaged my mental health, something that I did not think was possible. As much as I tried to hide it, I was hurting. Our team would go on to lose three of our last four games. Although I wasn’t playing, I blamed myself for all of them. This would mark the start of my mental health journey as a student-athlete. Despite being unable to play the entirety of my senior season, I continued to receive offers and ended up committing to Trinity University.
Adjusting to being a collegiate student-athlete was tough. Your teammates were all one of if not the best players on their high school teams, therefore the competition is at a much higher level. Nothing you did in high school matters when you enter college and you must make a name for yourself all over again, just as you did in high school. Additionally, nothing can prepare you to balance your academics while playing your sport in college, especially at a rigorous school such as Trinity. This was all incredibly difficult for a 17 year old kid to comprehend. I craved being that guy, the starter, the one who plays every single down of the game because of the joy it provided me in high school. What I failed to understand was that I was simply not ready yet. As the season went on, I found it hard to stay motivated as I wasn’t playing much, and if I did play, it was in blow-out games when the remaining plays had little to no effect on the game. It felt like I wasn’t contributing to the team. I felt useless.
“It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with football anymore.”
This began to affect my life outside of football. I was receiving some of the worst grades I’ve ever received in school, and I began letting my performances in practices/games dictate the rest of my day. If I had a bad practice, the rest of my day was going to be bad. If I got to play in a game and didn’t perform well, I would be miserable even after we won. It felt like I was putting all of this time into something for nothing in return. Not to mention, I was going through all of this without my parents being around me, who I confide in with everything. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with football anymore.
“Speaking up is the furthest thing from “soft”, speaking up about our problems shows our human nature and reminds everyone that at the end of the day, we are human.”
Rather than expressing how I felt to someone, I kept my emotions bottled up and stayed silent. I figured that if I were to speak up I would be labeled soft, simply wanting people to feel sorry for me. As I continue to grow and mature as a young man I now realize that speaking up is the most important thing an athlete can do when battling something mentally. Our bodies will be affected by whatever is going on psychologically or emotionally, therefore, if we do not speak up, our performances aren't going to get any better, which does nothing to help resolve the issue. Speaking up is the furthest thing from “soft”, speaking up about our problems shows our human nature and reminds everyone that at the end of the day, we are human.
I’m the furthest thing from perfect and am still learning how to put my mental health first. I’m currently in a mental battle myself, as I’ve been unable to play in my sophomore season of college due to injury. However, after looking back at the battles I went through during my freshman year, I realize that it’s completely fine to speak out about whatever you are dealing with, which is why I’ve been able to remain positive when dealing with hardships this season. Whether it’s playing time, performance, injury, exhaustion, or time management, I urge any athlete who is going through a mental battle to speak up because I assure you that there are other student-athletes out there who are going through exactly what you’re going through.
